Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??