connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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