sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.