I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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