when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm passing your future prison.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
