I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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