we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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