They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
