I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
