marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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