i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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