Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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