New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
