1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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