after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
