why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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