the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want to be your penis for a week.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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