I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
