Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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