I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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