We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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