I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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