I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
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