the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
