i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
