This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
