gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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