he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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