I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
