i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
