i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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