Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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