Screwed.edu
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
