she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
