i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
