Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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