I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just pee around me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
