i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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