I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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