Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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