my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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