he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
