This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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