my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
