for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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