You can't special order awesome
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
