Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
