can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
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She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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