strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
