a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
