cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
