he thought i was a dude.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
