I wish my penis had an off switch
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
