i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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