My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
