I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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