My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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