I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
