You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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