craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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