So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
